Strange Sense of Humor

The universe has a strange sense of humor. Have you ever noticed in your line of work that you get clients (or patients or customers) who are dealing with the same life challenges as you? As a result of the universe’s quirky nature, half of my active clients are struggling with romantic relationships that have caused them immense pain. These relationships may be ongoing or just ending. With each of my self-help customers, their partner (boyfriend, husband, or wife) has repeatedly done at least one of the following:

• Betrayed their trust
• Emotionally and mentally abused them
• Taken their kindness for weakness
• Created an unsafe home

How can this be right? How can I have 7-10 women on my caseload at any given time who describe their experiences so similarly to my own? Yes, I hear and see the differences in their stories, but I’m referring to the overlap in some of the accounts, as well as the emotional weight they carry.

Does This Sound Familiar?

Signs of Toxic Relationships

• Feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells
• Questioning your own reality and sanity (hello, gaslighting!)
• Struggling to set and maintain healthy boundaries
• Battling with low self-esteem and self-doubt
• Lack of mental and emotional safety; you never know when their mood will change
• You do 90% of the domestic upkeep and they actively work against peace in your home
• They make you feel guilty for normal human emotions, and this only happens with them, not with your friends or family
• Genuine apologies for hurting your feelings are rare, and you have to find other places for validation
• Turning you into the villain despite their frequent bad behavior

Feeling Unsafe Everywhere

Perhaps you landed here because you’re experiencing similar difficult hurdles in your own relationships and you’re hoping to find a solution. I wish a solution could be as simple as reading it in a blog post about self-help, self-care or personal development, but you already know that’s not the case. You’ve read several self-help books, received advice from trusted sources, and even tried being a “better” person for them. Sometimes, the problematic partner convinces you that the problem is all you – and that’s devastating!

Then one day, you realize, “I feel unsafe everywhere!” As a Black woman, you can’t find any sense of safety anywhere – not at work, parks, restaurants, or even in your own home. This relationship makes you feel isolated and depressed. One day, you wake up and don’t recognize yourself anymore. You no longer laugh like you used to. Your clothes are worn out. The sunshine doesn’t seem as bright. Your sleep is interrupted, and you’re gaining weight in unfamiliar places. You may even find that your health has deteriorated. When this happened to me, I could feel my body failing, starting with stomach issues and anxiety attacks.

The Impact of Constant Stress

Stress is known as the “silent killer” for a reason. When we stay in fight/flight/freeze mode for too long, cortisol levels build up in our bodies to toxic levels. Here are just some of the negative impacts of long-term stress response and high cortisol levels (seek medical insight when more than one of these symptoms are present):

1. Ulcers
2. Thyroid issues
3. Significant weight gain or loss
4. Backaches
5. Gastrointestinal issues
6. Dark purple stretch marks on the skin
7. Dark circles under both eyes
8. Type 2 diabetes
9. High blood pressure
10. Bone loss
11. Easy bruising
12. Relentless fatigue

One day, you wake up with two or three of these symptoms listed above and have a realization: “Who am I?” It’s as if you’re a stranger in your own body. Whose skin and eyes are these? You don’t recognize how you look or feel, and that’s when you truly realize something has gone terribly wrong in your life.

The Complexities of Heartbreak

Why Leaving Isn’t Easy

When you start to discuss this with family and friends, not everyone will understand. Some will say, with little effort, “Just leave the relationship!” But obviously, if it were easy, you would have done so already. Here are some reasons why it is difficult to leave toxic relationships:

Investments: You’ve invested time, energy, and resources, making it very difficult to just give up and leave. Humans are not fond of giving up their investments.

Love: Girl, you love this person! You were taught that love is worth fighting for, and you have to keep trying.

Attachment: This person was once your best friend. Your relationship had beautiful moments that continue to give you hope for the future.

Abuse cycle: It’s called a cycle because there is a pattern, usually something like this – everything feels “great,” then there’s a blowup or disruptive event, then a quiet cool-down period, and then things are “GREAT” again. We categorize this cycle as abuse when there is harm done in any form such as mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual! Girl, yes, your whole spirit can be lost in this battle.

Grief: Let’s be real; this is grief and loss, ladies! Think about all the things you grieve, like the good times, the fun conversations that were once had, the feeling of empathy and validation that no longer occur regularly, the loss of the dream/vision, the fear of what is next, and of course, the actual heartbreak that has happened in your life.

How to: Self-help

So now what? If you’ve read this far and can’t stop nodding your head, you’re likely wondering how to do self-help for heartbreak, toxic relationships, depression, anxiety, and any other experience you’re having. You want the life you deserve. Some of you may roll your eyes at considering a therapist, while others might hear that helpful little voice whispering, “Find a therapist.” I’ll list some ideas here, but ultimately, it’s your choice what to do next.

Remember, your need for a village didn’t end in childhood. Adults need community too! Think of it this way: your doctors, weekly trash collectors, grocery shoppers, and the obvious people like family and friends are all part of your adult-life village. Your community helps you thrive towards the life you deserve. If you’re not going to add a trained listening/helping professional to your life, ask yourself who in your community can help you find peace and comfort in this unsafe world.

Ideas for Self-help and Healing

• Join a group of women who will vigorously bounce their heads (up and down) in validation as you tell your story of loss and anguish!
• Seek therapy alternatives like a wellness class where you learn how to shift your mindset in a way that allows you to make healthier decisions with genuine confidence.
• Find a dating coach group so you have a place to debrief after going on dates.
• Use radical self-honesty to alleviate the emotional weight you’ve been carrying around daily.
• Look back at your life accomplishments to remind yourself what you’re capable of and to feel motivated to make hard decisions.
• If you haven’t told anybody what’s happening, you MUST talk about it to release yourself from the shame and guilt you feel.

Seeking a professional listener and validator? Check out these resources:

Therapy for Black Girls

Alma

Zocdoc

Wasabi & Well

Overcoming Overwhelm

Oh no! You’re feeling overwhelmed about where to begin. Between reading articles and self-help books, you might feel unsure about your next steps. Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered! We host free self-help webinars and offer live classes that serve as a guide and support system. You don’t have to tackle self-improvement alone. It might sound unusual, but trust us – when you’re trying to do something brave like leveling up your entire life, you’ll thrive with the help of both wellness experts and women who share your interests. Join our waitlist now!